Do you think it’s necessary to define your sexuality? I like being crazysexycool with the ladies, but I don’t think I could fall in love with a woman the way I could with a man. It’s hard because lesbians think someone like me is just doing it for guys, or to seem cool or different. Guys think pretty much the same thing and someone with my tendencies is not well received in the LGBT community. As long as the people involved know the deal — can’t I do whatever I want?
—Sexy in San Diego
HI THERE SISD—
I proudly stand with the fluorescent flag that reads “Fluid Sexuality For All!” Who and what people are attracted to is both chemical and cultural — which is to say, the fixed part of who you are may naturally be drawn to some sexual exploits, but the impressionable and ever-learning part can change according to what wonderful options are presented to you. The more open we are about our potential desires — as opposed to resistant because of our current desires — the more we figure out what we’re into.
So you’re not getting love from the lesbian community, and I can’t say that I’m surprised. Anti-bi sentiments are sadly entrenched in both the straight and gay communities. During the feminist movement in the seventies, some women chose to be queer as a political statement, and since then, every decade has seen its rash of queer-passing for the sake of fashion. This often meant that those experimenting or simply having fun got the Salem BBQ treatment from some queers who had no choice but to live a marginalized lifestyle. To add insult to injury, queer ladies are working against a male-prescribed hetero-normative history that says they stick with gay until they come across the right cock — or the right cock comes across them.
In defense of bi-acting Johns and Janes everywhere, I would remind people that in the heat of the moment, the offending individual is not concerned with how their lapping is going to affect the queer political landscape; they’re thinking “goodie goodie gumdrops!” — and that is a valid and queer enough reaction! We must stop seeing people who get down with both sexes as “less gay” and “less straight” than ourselves.
Because you don’t really connect with an identity of queerness, perhaps what you are connecting with is an identity of kinky openness. (Heed Dr. Kinsey, who said that most people fluctuate between heterosexual and homosexual — 0 to 6 on his famous scale.) You needn’t participate in the next dyke march to show solidarity (though that wouldn’t hurt), but it is each person’s sexual civic duty to DTK — Defend That Kink!
How? Easy: Stop being ashamed. When a conversation with a friend takes a lascivious turn, take it as a chance to calmly represent what you like. This ground-level sex activism allows for people to have conversations they wouldn’t normally have. Bonus: when you come clean about your perversion of choice, your friend’s kinky inclinations may come slinking out of the shadows.
And while you’re telling the whole world about your predilections, you may as well let your lovers in on the secret. Practice out loud what you would like to say to someone who is nonjudgmental and then say it expecting the best from other people. Leaving room for people to be gallant and understanding puts the impetus on them to act that way.
If the act of labeling yourself is the problem, then you can simply tell potential partners, “I prefer not to identify with any sexuality, but if we can get beyond that, I can assure you we’re going to have a wonderful filthy fuck.” And what self-respecting pervert could say no to that?