The Brother from Another Planet

Nicholas Powers Jul 26, 2009


Following is a text of President Obama’s remarks on the Birther Movement and the controversy surrounding his citizenship.

THE PRESIDENT: Hello, everybody. Thank you. Thank you, please, everybody have a seat. (Applause) Recently there has been a groundswell of concern over the status of my citizenship. Across the media spectrum a steady chorus has risen. Was he born in America? Is his presidency legitimate? Am I a Manchurian Candidate?

I have been advised to ignore these questions. “Let them rant,” I’ve been told. It is the disgruntled mutterings of an ignorant and scared minority of whites. The fringe Right-wing will embarrass itself in the court of public opinion. But these questions cannot be brushed aside. A nation is bound together by the cords of trust between people and their leadership. When those cords break, when authority has no legitimacy, naked brutal power is turned to as the only recourse. I love this country too much to risk that so tonight (Everyone stares as the President pulls out eye contacts) I will level with the American people. (Gasps ripple through the room. His eyes are cold reptilian slits) I was not born in the United States. I was not even born on Earth. (He claws his cheek; it stretches like webbing then tears)

AUDIENCE: Oh my God! (A reporter retches into his lap as the President stands at the podium a man-sized lizard) OH JESUS!

THE PRESIDENT: I know this must come as a shock. You can imagine how much explaining I have to do to Michelle. (A reporter chuckles but is elbowed) I am an Alien-American. We are the minority of minorities. Invisible, silent, “We,” as the poet James Weldon Johnson said, “Wear the mask.” (He dangles a piece of torn skin, studying it nostalgically) Except for us it’s literal. We come from the corners of the cosmos to Earth. We have been a part of this world since you were in caves. We helped you light your first fire, carve your first wheel, map your first star. (A reporter waves his hand. Heads turn to him) Yes.

FOX NEWS REPORTER: Mr. President does this make you an illegal alien?

THE PRESIDENT: Arrest this man. (Secret Service twists his arm and hauls him away. Cheers and claps erupt)

CNN REPORTER: Mr. President why choose to be African-American? (Screams can be heard from the FOX reporter)

THE PRESIDENT: I felt at home among them. Like me they are strangers in a strange land. Like me they must conceal who they are and what they feel in the face of a large hostile majority. Let me be clear, my time on Earth has taught me that humans are a bi-polar symbolic species, in which you project your nightmares on each other and then kill.

MSNBC REPORTER: Mr. President how will this change your agenda?

THE PRESIDENT: First it is illegal to arrest black people. They’ve been through enough. Any black person getting arrested, including Harvard professors, gets an automatic presidential pardon.

NATIONAL REVIEW REPORTER: Mr. President what if they actually committed a crime?

THE PRESIDENT: Reparations.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: We love you, Barack!

THE PRESIDENT: I love you back. (Laughter and applause.)

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