9/11 for Fun and Profit

Manny Jalonschi Sep 6, 2011

The September 11 attacks were a tragedy for the world and a boon for military companies. From aerial drones and iris scanners to hand-held lasers and duct tape, the drive to prevent terrorism — or at least our fear of it — has taken some sinister technological turns.

9/11 Teddy Bears
Finally, a toy that brings together militarism and nap time. Dressed in fatigues with an American flag sewn on the sleeve, this adorable plush bear sways and moves its mouth as it sings, “And I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free.”

NASCAR Commemorative Matchbox Cars
Are your kids just not “getting” the importance of commercializing national tragedy? Toy cars are here to the rescue! And since these mini-vehicles don’t require gas, there’s no need to worry about bankrolling terrorist plots hatched by Saudi princes.

Osama bin Laden is Dead Mousepad
For the tech-savvy American exceptionalist with an eye for pragmatic propaganda, this is the must-have accessory for those long nights trolling the Daily Kos with comments like, “If  you hate America so much why don’t you move to Jihadistan?”

9/11 Commemorative Knives

Do seven inches of deadly steel mix well with your nationalistic urges? Make sure you “never forget” by purchasing a weapon that combines the most fashionable in stabbing technology with your most atavistic political views.

Osama bin Laden Talking Action Figure
Uttering such phrases as “My turban is too tight” and “I make big mistake,” the Osama bin Laden Talking Action Figure line also includes an Osama figure sporting pink lingerie. No word yet on a Zbigniew Brzezinski endorsement.

Alan Jackson “Patriot” Guitar

Woody Guthrie be damned! Surprise a patriotic troubadour with this autographed red, white and blue reminder that Alan Jackson is still not done profiting from 9/11.

Osama bin Laden Punching Puppet
The perfect toy for all the Muslim bashers in your life, this puppet has two levers that control the arms and can be purchased with assorted attire. Let your freedom fists fly and watch Osama wiggle in fear.

9/11 Memorial Wine

Officially sanctioned by the 9/11 Memorial Board, these Merlots and Chardonnays start with a fine nose of victimization, turn velvety in the mouth with revenge and finish with a distinct tang of nativism.

Commemorative Tie
Wish there was a professional way to display your chauvinism? Fret not, compatriot, you can show off your zeal with this perfect mix of corporate chic and morbid self-righteousness.

The Kids’ Book of Freedom
Bringing terrorism to coloring time, this “kid-friendly” book encourages children to color in scenes of Osama’s execution and reminds them that “[t]hese crazy people hate the American way of life because we are FREE.”

Arun Gupta contributed to this report.

Photo credits: Teddy bears,; Osama mousepad,; Patriotic Guitar,; , Punching puppet,; 9/11 tie,; 9/11 knives,; Action figure,; Nascar matchbox car,; Wine,; Coloring book,

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