The Indypendent is a terrible, terrible newspaper, way worse than the failing New York Times. It not only says mean things about me all the time, but every month it writes about greedy unions, lazy tenant groups, immigrant rights agitators, America-last socialists, and professional protesters. They can’t write a kind word for our country’s hard-working CEOs? It’s beautiful oil and gas companies, impeccable police and gorgeous landlords like me?
I could put this paper out of business today, but why should I bother? I’ve declared bankruptcy four times, so I know if you don’t have the money to pay your bills, you’re in serious trouble.
The Indy doesn’t have millions of dollars like my friends at Breitbart and Fox who are telling the world how great I am. It relies on contributions from readers like you to cover their budget just like Bernie trying to run for president on $27 donations — Pathetic!!
They’ve crawled along for 19 years, but not anymore.
This year, readers like you who know I’m going to win the most awesome re-election victory ever won’t send them money. Then, they will be gone. Poof! No more Indy. Won’t be able to cover its rent or keep the lights on or pay its measly staff. No more saying terrible, terrible things about me.
I’ve declared bankruptcy four times, so I know if you don’t have the money to pay your bills, you’re in serious trouble.
Now I’m not one to gloat. In fact, people tell me all the time how humble I am. But if The Indy is forgotten by its friends, if it’s severely hobbled by lack of reader support or even went out of business, I say that’s a wonderful thing — like impeachment but with real consequences.
Anyhow, who needs their “facts”? Facts are stupid. And what the hell is social justice? Solidarity? Why should anyone want to write about that? Here’s a real news story: My steaks are delicious! The most succulent cuts of flash-frozen Angus Beef you’ll find anywhere. Why don’t they write an article about that?
If you want real news, follow me on Twitter! Don’t waste time with these losers. Think about it this way:
For $100 you can help The Indy print 1,000 copies or buy another one of those very, very ugly news boxes they put out on street corners. For the same amount you can purchase a pair of brass Keep America Great Christmas Ornaments finished in 24-karat gold. Give $50 and you will sponsor 500 copies of The Indy. Or, you can purchase a gift set of my cologne, Success By Trump.
So what do you say folks? Inhale my musky essence, gaze upon my shiny holiday bric-a-brac or support this fake news rag? I trust your decision will be in line with the winning spirit of Christmas.
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